Eternal Beings living in a Temporary Environment

We are eternal beings living in a temporary environment.  For a little while, we remember our life before becoming Human but soon we forget as our life unfolds before us.  Conditioning from our surroundings affect our perceptions of ourselves and the world as we grow into the magic of this plane of existence.  Without the vast memories of all time before and after this very moment, we allow ourselves to experience being new all over again.  For a little while we are new all over again.

Like a seedling our time is new, the possibilities are endless and we are happy to simply grow in the sunshine of being alive.

We grow into independence, standing on our own ready to take on the world and still we feel invincible.

We have forgotten our time before coming here and are ready to experience life in all of its many forms with its many emotions, triumphs and failures.  We are ready to fully take on this marvelous time of being alive.

Like a Summer oak we rise toward the sun, our leaves full and happy to simply grow in the sunshine of being alive.

 In the fall of our lives we have held up under the storms, grown as much as possible during this season and are getting ready to give of ourselves to the world.

Just as the oak tree sheds its leaves to nourish everything below it, we give our final gifts to those we love in various forms.

Like the Fall oak we are getting ready to rest thankful for the sunshine of being alive

The winter of our lives comes and can now see the beauty of our own creation.  We see where new branches have formed.  We can see where branches have broken or become damaged as we weather the storms of life.  We can now see how much closer we are to the sun as we reach for our highest goals.

Like the winter oak we reflect on all that has transpired and rest, thankful for the sunshine of being alive.



The lesson of our being in a temporary situation is all around us if we only have eyes to see.  Everything in our physical world is temporary yet we treat this present situation as eternal.  Nothing here is eternal.  Our problems will slip away as we struggle to find a different path toward our dreams.  Our best moments will also slip away yet we, often, fail to fully appreciate those moments believing that moment is eternal.  An important, yet often over looked, message from our physical world is to never stop growing because the moment we stop, our life stops with it so keep growing my friend, keep growing. 

Let us accept each moment for the life within it that is ours to experience, work with, change and enjoy.  Let us be thankful for this moment of being alive.

You have the Power... America... YOU HAVE THE POWER

Please take a minute to visit the links below. You will find Mozilla, Google and yahoo's stance on this unconstitutional act.  After you are finished, please find the link to free software you can download and SEE who is spying on you, be it our own Government or commercial sources.

I am outraged over the spying on American Citizens.... strike that citizens ALL OVER THE GLOBE by our government.

Yes we allowed the Patriot Act but never did we believe our own Government would become so paranoid that they would become terrorists themselves by spying on EVERYONE with no justification, no cause, no warrant, no reason. Our judicial system is that we are innocent until proven guilty yet we are being treated as the enemy.

I love my Country... never mistake this... I am red, white and blue all the way through. This behavior by the NSA is NOT American and I am so proud of everyone for speaking up, holding rally's and making our stance on this issue viral.

WE WILL NOT TOLERATE BEING TREATED LIKE CRIMINALS BY OUR OWN GOVERNMENT.

Google Outraged: http://www.aljazeera.com/news/americas/2013/10/nsa-tapped-yahoo-google-data-centres-20131031154214172344.html

Yahoo : http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/30/nsa-yahoo-google_n_4178227.html

Mozilla's response was to create this software for you. They are livid and fighting back. They are giving us the tools to see who is watching us, free

http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/technology-gadgets/mozilla-lightbeam-for-firefox-nsa-spying-row-leads-firm-to-expose-whos-watching-while-you-surf-29697872.html

or if you prefer which has the download conveniently waiting for you.

http://www.techspot.com/downloads/6276-lightbeam-for-firefox.html

These are my personal views. 

Happiness

It had been so long since I had been happy that I forgot what it felt like.  Sitting at my desk, listening to audio tapes on positive thinking, they all talked about being happy as the key.  The problem is that I forgot what that felt like.  OH I knew what it felt like to be satisfied, what it felt like to see the joy in the clouds in the sky, how loving it felt when I looked into my Partners face as she slept but I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy.  Just Happy, pure, simple, no holds barred, whole body and soul happy.  I had felt Happy before so I knew that what was being felt was not happy, it was joy or any one of the variations of Happy but it was not Happy.  Sometimes it came so very close but still it was not Happy, just Happy.

Over the past quarter of a Century there have been moments of Happy but for some reason they were not loved enough so I forgot to take a snap shot in my brain so I could remember what it felt like and get back to it when it was lost again.  Those moments of Happy in my past feel like the smoke from a camp fire, only there as long as the wood was being put to flame and gone with the smoke when the wood was all used up.  Somehow I had taken those moments for granted and forgotten to take a snapshot of that emotion, that feeling, rather than just the surroundings while the miracle happened.

The current focus of our mental activities has been on Love and the decision reached that there is only Love and anything that is not this is simply a lack of it.  We have decided that like Happy, Love is a tangible thing which lives and breathes.  Love and Happy can be acquired but they can also be lost if not appreciated enough to take those mental snap shots then refuse any less emotion in our lives.  Because we believe that Love and Happy are friends then one must always be fairly close to the other and will only be seen if the other is present.  Like best friends, where one is the other is close.

The problem was that I had forgotten what Happy looked like, how Happy felt and how to just give into the emotion with a child like abandonment.  Perhaps I had also forgotten exactly what Love was and how it is not about getting, it is about giving and we can never out give Love.  Out giving Love can never happen because if another does not give it back then it is not Love, it is a variation of a lack of it.  In the giving we are Love, it is not outside of ourselves, we are LOVE and Love is not dependent on anything other than itself.  We have a choice to either Love others with a lack of it anyway.  The understanding/wisdom must be that we can not force Love in any of its various forms onto another because Love is Freedom to choose and the other will either choose to return it or they will not.  Love will not stay with us as an active part of our mental make up if we choose to allow others to give us less than the Love we are giving.  If we become one with Love it does not matter because we are no longer dependent upon another for it.  One caution here though is that Love is the most amazing thing of all in that when we only see the good in another regardless of what they are doing then Love grows or the other leaves because they are free to choose a lack of Love if that is what is wanted.  Love is not dependent upon any other person or thing though it is its own entity whole and complete for each of us to feel.

Yesterday I went to the store for a few things.  While there I saw 'Curly's pulled pork' in the refrigerator case.  I was surprised to see it as Curly's Barbecue sauce is simply my very favorite.  They did not sell it in the stores here and I had missed it sorely.  After the surprise, I picked up the container and joy began filling me.  I let the joy come.  Then I wondered if it were indeed MY Curly's or another brand with the same name so bought the container and brought it home with a fresh package of hamburger buns.  Bouncing into the door, I hurried to open the packages containing the purchases to show my Partner who was getting excited because now my feet could no longer stay still and danced their way across the floor while excitedly exclaiming.... "you will never believe what I brought home!"  Then I rushed to open the package, put a portion in the microwave and made a sandwich.  I bit down into the mouth watering sandwich and my taste buds began to dance.  I do mean each and every one of my 10,000 taste buds began to do the Hallelujah chorus.  My mouth began to laugh.  I laughed so hard with the Happiness of this thing that my jaws began to cramp (its been a while so those muscles are out of practice).  So this is what Happy feels like?  Snap, Snap, Snap went my brain taking as many mental pictures as possible this time.

I hurried to the phone and called the corporate office of the store to thank them, then I sent an e mail thanking them, then I called Curly's thanking them then............. my Partner and I went back to the store and bought three more containers for the freezer.  With every communication people laughed with me and they were happy too.

As we left to go back to the store for more of this magical stuff that made my whole body and soul remember what Happy felt like, we saw our neighbor.  Larry was curious as to why I was dancing, it seemed like I was floating rather than walking in pure Happiness.  I explained what had happened to him and even in the middle of it I doubled over needing to get my breath because of the laughter and complete happiness over this event.  He looked at my Partner and said, "she gets a little excited, doesn't she?"  In two years he has never seen me HAPPY so it was not only a joy but also a surprise for him.  For just a moment we were able to remind him what Happy feels like.  When we returned from the store, I made him a Curly's BBQ sandwich and took it to him so he could experience why I was so very happy and share this with him.

The Curly's BBQ did not make me happy, this I need to try to make someone understand.  It was that I LOVE Curly's BBQ and when reunited with it, Loves friend HAPPY came out to join me.  At that very moment there was a choice because Love is freedom.  I could either choose to completely succumb to Happy or I could resist it but I needed to remember what Happy felt like so I choose to abandon every normal, adult like, rational reaction and just be Happy.

Now that I remember what this feels like, I will make it a goal to get back to Happy every time I lose it even if it is a million times a day.  I know what Happy is and that is where I want to be.  I also know that Happy and Love are friends so to get to one, I simply need to do the other.  I want my best friends to be Love and Happy.  I am free to make this choice regardless of what any other chooses as their own personal choice in life. I will never be able to be down enough to help pull another out of the pits of despair but perhaps if maybe just maybe someone else who needs to remember can see it (through me) they will grab onto the rope and be pulled up into Love which will always be close to Happy.  Where ever one is, the other will be very close by. 

 

Jealousy

Well, folks this is the morning topic inside of our brain.... Jea LOUSY.  Never noticed before that the word has lousy in it.  Should not surprise me at all.

What is this thing jealousy?  Why is it even here on this planet?  It is one emotion that I simply do not get and what has brought it up today is a situation between my neighbors which FINALLY is understood.  Yeah I'm a little dense with things that are not a part of my own personal world.

My neighbors are fighting and we just could not understand why.  More importantly the neighbors that are being fought with can not understand so is it any wonder that our brain worked on it last night while shut down? 

We live in a duplex as do our neighbors next door.  On one side of their duplex is a family of 6.  This family is happy, very demonstrative, always ready to help (anyone), very generous of all that they have, nice cars, they pay cash for everything and shop thrifty to be able to do so but even shopping thrifty they always have everything they need and more.  This family often shares whatever they have to give but it is with an open smile and every indication that this is something they love to do.  This family often will go to court with their friends (being immigrants as are their friends somethings are just not understood until too late), they go to Doctors appointments, visit friends in the hospital, their children are well mannered and while we are certain they have problems they do not wear those problems on their sleeves or make them anyone elses responsibility.  Their neighbor in the next duplex is very angry with them right now and has chosen (in our way of thinking) a silly thing to be angry about BUT the bottom line is that he feels disrespected.  This neighbor is divorced, lives alone, has problems keeping his rent and monthly bills paid, has been fighting over custody of his only child for several years now (recently losing the joint custody and now has structured), does not have a car (but is very physically fit and even BUFF because of it and going to the gym several times a week) which he says is a choice, and seems quite angry.  They both (both families) are wonderful people and we enjoy each of them immensely.  They each are quite different yet quite wonderful and we love both families equally. 

The silly thing that has become the "battle ground" is the single neighbors garage.  Again he has no car BUT this really does not matter as it is HIS garage and he pays a portion of his rent each month for it.  Sounds simple and should be.  The Family somehow decided that because their neighbor was not using his garage, they were welcome to it and began treating it as if it were their own.  This has NOT been pretty with the family not able to understand what the problem is and the single man quite frustrated at trying to get the understanding across which FINALLY ended in an emotional explosion from the Single neighbor.  This explosion has turned into ground zero to the point of one of the families friends coming over and parking their car (unknown to the family) blocking this empty garage with no car to go into it and the single man exploding all over the Family man (verbally and very loudly) after breaking into this car (rather than coming to any of us to find who owned it) so he could take it out of park and MOVE it out from in front of his garage.  I went and bought a no parking sign and put it on that garage so now everyone knows not to park in front of it. 

For several weeks now, I've been trying to figure out what is REALLY going on inside of these heads.  It is not a matter of simple disrespect as the single man has determined is the problem.  There was no problem while he had joint custody of his child AND the Family provided free babysitting all summers while the single man worked.  In fact after the first explosion the single man told me (this was in the spring) that he needed to be nice because he needed a free babysitter.  Sigh.... Well, after exploding all over the Family the first time the free babysitting came to a stop. 

The Family's Wife (and a friend as they all are our friends including the single man) is quite hurt, confused, angry and well again confused.  She keeps asking me what she did wrong?  She keeps asking me if she is wrong?  I just keep saying, "he is very angry over something right now".  She does not understand why talking together would not have achieved a better result than the almost going to blows that happened a couple of weeks ago.  There is no way to "fix" this or there is no way I can "fix" this so we just continue letting each vent without taking sides. 

What does this have to do with jealousy?  Well.... what I believe has happened is that the Single man is jealous over the relationship and family life of the Family (even though they do not conduct their family in the way he would).  I believe that jealousy is at the root of this issue.  I believe that it is more acceptable to say that he was disrespected by them than to say that he is jealous of them.  It is very sad for me to watch.

While growing up, this thing called jealousy has been a thorn in my own side.  This is already long enough so not going to go into it except to say that it is something that I do not understand.  We each are created with the same number of hours in each day.  We each are given choices at every moment of every day to spend however we choose to spend that choice.  We each choose how we will feel at any given moment OR we choose to feel something different.  Jealousy is something that I do not understand at all because every one of us has the same opportunities as the next.  If we see something that another is experiencing that we, ourselves, wish to experience then it is most often available to us.  We might need to go back to school or study harder or take a second job or any number of costs for that experience but why be jealous when it is there for the taking if we want it?

Suppose, we will think about this some today and try to figure it out.  Honestly... we think it is just silly.   

Hugging - Be the Revolution

Hugging is simply the sharing of space between 2 or more individuals which conveys a feeling without words.  It says, "I like you.  I want to share space on this planet with you."

It is not to be confused with anything other than that, as it is a very surface every day type of thing.  It does not convey a hope for a deeper relationship such as a kiss might convey.  A hug does not convey any type of emotion, other than in that very moment a wordless expression of shared space and enjoyment in each other.

Because energy is exchanged, hugs should be withheld if both of the parties are in anger because well... do we really need to share this emotion?  Upon further mental examination, perhaps when two people are angry a hug can be the thing that cancels out those two negative emotions.  Maybe it is just this reason, two negatives (magnets) repel each other?  Perhaps this is why hugging is so rare in our society?  People are just too angry and have too many emotions to "hide" which might accidentally spill over in that hug?  Well, I suppose this is true if people do not understand what a hug is.  Perhaps this desire to "hide" emotions is why it is so rare in the work place.  Pity, really it is.

Some view Huggers as less intelligent.  We see often how those who are of a lower intelligence ,when measure on intelligence quotient tests, hug profusely.  Their parents worry that others will immediately know that they are lacking in some way so go about trying to squelch this activity.  Again, it is a real pity because for what a mentally retarded individual lacks in intellectual intelligence they make up for mightily in emotional intelligence.  We could learn a lot here and through sharing might even bring a harmony or balance to society as a whole. 

It is demonstrated in board rooms across the world that hugging is strictly taboo.  We even have full policies in place in the work place to prevent an exchange of this type.  Sad, isn't it?  When what should happen is to begin each day hugging each other and end it in the same way. A class should be REQUIRED outlining exactly what a hug is because I believe it has been lost over the centuries and many times perverted into something that it simply is not.

As a society, I believe, we have taken withholding a hug from another as a demonstration of being above them in some way.  Sad isn't it?  Yes we have the "power" to give or with hold this little gesture but what does that really say about the person withholding it?  I believe it says more than can be conveyed here.  No one on this Earth is above or below another and the World would be a sad place indeed when even one light has been extinguished.  Maybe it has been misunderstood in a giving away of something rather than a reciprocal event?  I always wonder why another does not wish to share space with me when refused.  It says much more about them than me.  

Saying a hug caused someone to rape is the same as saying that a gun caused someone to kill.  It simply does not make any sense at all.  It does not matter how I turn this thing over in my mind to try to understand how a hug or a gun created someone to become evil, it just does not compute.

So to all of my friends, all of the humans that we share space with here on Planet Earth

Hugs

You are invited to join the revolution.

This video made me cry... very inspiring

Life is just so WEIRD and hard to UNDERSTAND

I'm confused about relationships.  Today I heard a song on You Tube that just reminded me so much of a song that my very close (was best) friend would be perfect performing.  My friend is a male impersonator.

She had already taken off her face but this is back when I managed her.

She had just won a competition, can't remember which one now.

Well, with a new girlfriend of hers we had issues.  Not my friend and I but the new girl friend and I.  I am not sure how many ways to say..... we had differences of opinions, irreconcilable differences and the more I got to know her the less I wanted to.  I also wanted my best friend to be happy so found a way to step out of the situation which man oh man opened up a whole can of drama that many writers would love as a story plot.  Hummm there is a thought.  So we ceased being friends but she was always my Sister of heart and I never ever ever allowed anyone to dog her and continued saying that our issues were our own now butt out of it.  

After she and her girlfriend split the sheets we continued our separate ways.  A whole lot of hurt washed over that bridge for everyone.  As far as I was concerned it was a washed out pile of wood and my compartmentalized mind eventually closed the box but I knew... somewhere I knew.   She only met the aggressor once and pretty sure it was enough the day she knocked on the door to apologize.  To her credit, she took it all... every word of what I had to say until I burned out of things to say about it all.  Also any time I call she answers and any time I have asked that we all go to dinner, she has made herself available and even when we went to Missouri on vacation she came up to the cabin for a BBQ even though it was a 2 hour drive each way.  

So its been probably 10 months since I've called her.  I think she is giving me my space because to push me will only make me run the other way and she knows me well enough to know this.  When we talk on the phone it normally is over an hour of pleasant catch me up conversation.  Today I called her telling her that she needs to listen to this song because it is just so J Michaels.  I listened to Brantley Gilbert's Country Must Be Country Wide and just had to call her.  

Now understand my friend is a person of few words but each one is important and she will often say something that she is concerned about being rejected over then gloss over it as was her comment today.  "I think I am needing my manager back".  "I miss the bookings out of town".  Then she quickly moved on with the conversation and so I asked.... "and who would that manager be?"  She chuckled and said... there is only ONE.  I explained that I'm out of the business and have be off of the circuit since she and I had our falling out then she began teasing me about just showing up here at the house some day.  Putting her toes in the water so to speak.  I put her on speaker so my Partner could participate in this and we invited her to come on... I have steaks in the freezer and potatoes to fry up (both she and my Partner's favorite meal).  We left it there.  

So why am I confused?  I think it is remembering how hard it was to severe that string between us so long ago, the pain of it and the fear.  I am certain that normal people don't feel this way.  I sure wish I knew what normal is.

One of the happy days when we were all friends

Between my 2 best friends with my Partner having my

back (the only one I trust to be there).

Moose - a "love" to remember

This is a short story in memory of my Boy Moose.

Ode To Moose

Tory rose from the bountiful feast Lady Deborah had prepared, stomach, mind and heart delighted at not only the wonderful food but the company as well.

"I think I will go see an Old Dear Friend today". "There will be little time for such things as preparations for the Ball begin soon". With a wave of her hand she slipped out of the door and onto the cool stone, flower lined walkway leading to the forest path beyond the courtyard.

Walking along the pathway to the foot of the mountain Tory remembers a dream and puzzles at the haunting words "even the wind could not keep me from you" came the whisper. What could this mean? "It stays with me even in waking, what can it mean?" she mutters to herself.

At the foot of the mountain at cave entrance, she coos softly "Moostevia? Moostevia I am here, may I come in to visit?" No answer.

Perhaps he has gone to the lake to swim. Visions of his red wings and golden eyes flash through her mind as she remembers the lazy summer days together. The beauty of water beads upon his flesh sparkling like a million diamonds and his delightful laugher as he fanned lace like wings to dry her, only to knock her over due to the force. Big lug, never has known his own strength, she chuckled as she headed for the waters edge.

Surprise over took Tory along with concern, the lake was calm and no red dragon splashing, playing and rollicking anywhere in sight. Suddenly alarm sounded in her brain a scream of anguish as she swooshed around to run back up the path to Moosetevia's lair.

Upon reaching the cave entrance Tory tip toed inside very quietly asking, "Moostevia are you home? Moostevia did not answer.

Inside the lair it is dark and damp, perfect conditions for my dearest of friends and any dragons envy. He is a tidy Dragon, everything in its place, she thought to herself. Entering the inner chamber, Tory stops at the doorway taking in the sight of her dearest friend lying upon the cool floor of his lair. She listens intently and hears a faint but rhythmic breathing pattern then quietly whispers, "Moostevia dearest, are you awake?"

Moostevia opens his golden eyes to look at his closest of friends as Tory approaches his massive head. She reaches to scratch the spot between his eyes that always brings a purr yet none comes.

Moostevia then opens his mouth to speak but only a whisper emerges where once was enough sound to move the mountain above should he only wish to do so. He says "Dearest friend I have waited for you for I could not leave without first telling you of the Love a dragon has for his Lady.  It is time for me to go beyond, time for me to join those that fly between worlds".

Tears begin to stream down Tory's porcelain cheeks, her mouth cannot speak as she understands the love between a Mystic and her Dragon. She can only say, "I love you my dearest friend and will see you one day, you shall forever be the beat of my heart".

The cave is quiet as the two share their last space on earth together. Moostevia whispers "Even the Wind cannot keep me from you" and in a moment he vanishes between to wait for her to join him when her time is done.

The Mystic curls up still feeling the warmth where her precious friends body lay just moments before crying, heaving sobs for the pain of separation which she never allowed herself to fully prepare for.

"Even the Wind cannot keep me from you" she hears in the silence of this once joyful place "Even the Wind cannot keep me from you, my dearest friend" tory whispers in reply.




Chapter One


Tory stood at the window of the nourishment parlor gazing out the window onto a perfect morning.  The dew of the night rose from the meadow, as it did every morning, burning off with the morning sunlight making the haze drift in a sideways,  swirling motion.  Fragrance of the spirit lily's drifted with the breeze filling the hut and tory's soul with joy. 

Quiet within her morning meditation she began summoning all the gratitude within her to a central place within her solar plexus, ever growing and gathering strength preparing for departure.  Washing her hands from preparing the morning meal, imparting as much love as possible into it, she marveled at the feel of tepid water running across her hands, losing herself in the moment. 

Aviana and Kurtuk were in the outer building working playfully on the new bow that was their current assignment from the great teacher, Taunge.  They felt fortunate to be given the opportunity to train with her, as her student enrollment was limited due to great age and responsibilities. 

Taunge was one of the Elders of M'Lady and remembered times before enlightenment although she never spoke of such things.   Her speech was soft and filled the air melodiously as if in a soft song, which kept attention on the importance of the choosing of each word.  Never should this world know of what had transpired before but wisdom declared that they be made ready should..... She quickly cut off her thought process and moved forward to today's lessons. 

The goal was clear.  Make a bow that would respond only to you by imparting as much of yourself into it as possible.  

"It is not enough to form the wood" Taunge explained.  "Each person here must make friends with the wood and agree on its formation". 

"How do I make friends with wood" asked Kurtuk.  "It is just a dead nothing that I picked up from the forest".  Kurtuk signed deeply while gazing at Aviana with huge emerald eyes.  His skin was still rainbow and changed as often as his indecision on life paths. 

Aviana gazed back taking in her sibling's smaller form.  He was 2 semesters and a solstice younger and becoming very handsome as he grew into adulthood.  The leather he wore mixed with his own scent making it quite unique and appealing.  She would have to explain things in greater detail from now on. 

Kurtuk's gaze took in much more than Aviana's outline.  He noticed the blue beginning to form more and more prominently as her life path's decision was being made.  She was stunning and he could hardly endure the anticipation of the colors forming that would mark the level of her resolve.  A tender smile turned up the corner of his lips at his sibling's decision to become a teacher. 

Aviana began quietly, almost in a whisper directing her attention to her own piece of wood and the sharp plane in her hand.  She laid the plane gently on the workbench and released her own bow from between her knees.  Cooing lovingly toward the wood in her hand she spoke to it for Kurtuks instruction.   "One day you will trust me to give me your name and on that day we shall be as one my new friend.  I will lovingly stroke your skin until you emerge in all your beauty.  You will know me by my touch and I you from the beginning, remembering always that everything is one and all affect the others of our world." came her loving words. 

Kurtuk understood and picked up his own piece of wood to speak with it.  "Wood, I do not know why I should help you emerge" he began.  "You will be strong and steady able to hold the string I have already prepared for you".  "Bow, you will apply yourself to your work in a most focused manner and one day you will give me your name and blessing to join as one". 

Aviana smiled softly and shook her head slightly while sighing.  "You are such a male" she chuckled. 

"Well what else would you have me be?" was Kurtuk's quick  response. 

"Exactly as you are, you are glorious my sibling" came the reply.  

Across the meadow came tory's voice.    "Come Avaiana"  "Come Kurtuk"  "Nourishment has been prepared for you".

At the sound of tory's voice they quickly responded by placing their wood and equipment into their personal chests.

Kurtuk let out a quick "I bet I can beat you to the hut" as he sprinted away without giving Aviana any more notice.

Avaiana replied, "Oh yeah?" as she let out a sharp whistle.

The whistle had not completed when Etay appeared from between and beside Aviana.  Aviana swooshed with one quick motion to mount and they sprinted toward the hut passing Kurtuk at half field. 

Kurtuk arrived at the hut, dew shimmering upon his rainbow skin and sulking.  Muscles pulsating with the joy of the morning run he looked, for the moment,  just the moment, a glimmer of adulthood.  

"No fair, I have not yet been chosen by my sable".

tory chuckled and replied, "give it time Kurtuk it is possible that a sable your equal has not yet become ready for you".  She reached over and smoothed back a tuff of coal black hair from his forehead. 

The three sat around the small table, soft down filled pillows beneath them and spent the next few moments communing with the bowls before them.  tory then spoke, "Thank you for the life you have given that we may continue on with your journey as one" was the all too familiar prayer. 

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A little personal history.  I am crazy over dogs.... I do mean crazy.... I love my dogs more than most people I know.  They are so patient, loving, always ready when I am and well they spoil me by just being a dog.  I was very very very etc..... keep going... attached to my dog "Moose".

Moose and I trained and competed together, earning an amazing 3 titles and a championship in 6 weeks time after training for 2 years.  He was a 2nd hand dog (well actually a 5th or so because of his "emotional" issues which I think is what made us click so well).  He was 105lbs of pure doberman muscle and had been in a DEA (drug enforcement agency) home, had been trained partially for protection work and well you can imagine he had confidence out the butt and most people were completely convinced that he was a very bad dog.  When I decided to buy him a training buddy questioned my decision with... "what are you going to do when he turns on you?!!!"  then sneered because I am after all just a woman.  I said.... "Well I guess the Vet better have 2 beds available because he will be in one and I in the other".  Everyone was afraid of this baby EXCEPT me and it was love at first sight when I met him.  I have a rule of only one male dog in the house at a time and my Rhet was still alive but not doing well so I boarded Moose with the previous owner for the next 2 months.

When it was Rhets time he and my Brandy were both transitioned at the same time.  Both Dobermans.  Rhet had been severely abused and my goal with him was to bring him out of it and it took 9 years but at the end he thought everyone was wonderful.  Rhet was also completely and totally attached to Brandy and had sever thyroid issues.  I mean he almost had a nervous collapse when he had to stay away from her after a minor surgery for 24 hours.  I will never forget the pitiful nonstop howling even though he could see her, he could not snuggle with her and nothing would console him so we finally had to sedate him for the night.  I knew that when Brandy (who was 5 years his senior) transitioned I would have to let him go too.  Brandy developed heart issues at age 14 and it was her time, so the day came and we put them both to sleep together.  Rhet first then Brandy so he would never need to spend a moment without her. I left town as the house was just too empty and I was emotionally distraught for 2 weeks then had Moose brought to me from Kentucky.

Cutting emotional strings is not an easy thing for me.  I see people, animals, places as extensions of ourselves with these little strings attaching everything to simply everything else and part of ourselves (along with anyone else who has been a part of that life) remains forever a part of whatever it was.  I view the phrase of "being attached" to something in a much deeper way than most people.  Letting go of a person, place or thing that I have become attached to is a huge process internally and not a pretty one for anyone around me.  I rage and hurt at the deepest, primal levels over the emptiness where that string should still be attached.  In fact during the letting go process with my dogs it is not uncommon to sit with headphones listening to the howls of wolves in the wild as my own internal self howls with separation anxiety.  It is something that very few ever really understand about me and how I react so strongly to change, even when it is a positive one.  So I came home after the Vet visit, had them set for cremation (to be picked up at the Vets office), saw their empty bowls by the fire place and LOST IT.  The house was void where they had been.  Their presence no longer there, they had gone on without me and even though it was necessary and I would not have wished even one more moment of suffering, it was just silent where they had been.  The two weeks gave me space in which to cut those strings then come back home to a new feeling within the house, one of memories but not physical presence. 

Moose arrived and after visiting for a short time with the breeder/boarder I took him out of his crate, attached a collar and lead then to the front yard we went, me with a pocket full of diced hot dog (training treats).  I knew he was trained but not certain of exactly to what extent.  I knew that this very first meeting would either make or break our time together.  Moose would either try to eat me (too) or he would respect me but something was about to happen.  We worked for about an hour solid with my putting him through his paces and demanding precision, obedience while rewarding him for every correct thing he had done.  At the end of the hour we were bonded... so tightly that it is doubtful I will ever feel another bond quite like that (even with my Ele being his reincarnation).  We learned a thing that Moose had never experienced before, mutual respect and complete fairness toward each other.

Only once did Moose look at me and think about "eating" me and it is completely understandable.  I had broken both of my elbows during a training accident with him.  Never try to jump over a dog jump with your dog attached to the leash to teach him to do that.  NEVER.. yeah when he launched with his 105 pounds of muscled self he catapulted me and I ended up on the grass with him looking at me funny and licking my face.  So 2 casts and 5 weeks later we went back to training.  To get his desire back up for biting the sleeve, I had him teased by the helper to a very large degree before letting him bite and well that once he looked at me like.... "Witch... I'm gonna bite something its either you or him, choose".  For which I looked at him sternly and said, "Make my day!" to which he decided that the helper with the sleeve looked much more promising and it was over that quickly. 

Everyone loved (or at least respected) my Moose.  I think that many came over just to see him which is why now my pets are put up when others come to visit.  I like to visit too.  Only once was there an issue with guests as Moose was very well trained and knew how to behave properly.  We had a guest over, one of my Partner's friends from work, who Moose did not know AND he was a very large man which immediately in my Moose's mind meant something to be watched.  LOL  My back was turned while at sitting at the computer and the guest was behind me.  The guest quietly asked, "Um....... what is your dog doing?" so I turned to look and saw the "look".  I told the guest... DON'T MOVE.  My dog was completely in his protection zone and waiting for the guest to just touch me as he had positioned himself (the guest) between me and my dog which was a complete no no.  I stood up, went to my dog, told him to stay then had the guest sit on the sofa, then released my dog from "work" to which he went over and put a nose under the guests hand to be petted.  Yep that was life with my Moose.  I simply told the guest to NEVER position himself between myself and my dog again and he never did even though we all became quite good friends (his wife, he and ourselves) visiting often.  Even today, if you were to ask this friend about that moment he would tell you that it was possibly one of the scariest moments of his life, oh that LOOK... yep he was my Moose and no other (even Ele) the same.  Of course, I told Moose/Ele (when they made it quite clear who he/she was) that this life time he would have the life of his dreams and s/he has been spoiled beyond belief and given the complete life that I have desired as my show of gratitude for our wonderful years together.  S/he is well... trained but not even anywhere close to competition levels now and pretty much a spoiled brat.  I would have it no other way.

So Moose had a condition called CVI which is where the spine begins deteriorating and he went lame.  We brought him back to being able to walk and be with us through steroid injections and therapy for 3 years but finally there was no bringing him back as his brain stem was being affected.  No more therapy, no more hope, oh it was emotionally grueling to say the least.  I had even fed him home cooked meals to help his body be able to process nutrition easier for these last 3 years and when he was lame we would place a sling around his rear end (his back legs would become completely unusable) to take him outside for time out and to do his business.  I should have let him go much sooner but I just could not do it.  I just could not.

The decision had been reached to never get another dog, letting them go just hurt too much, but well..... my partner just could not see me without a doberman in the house.  I had, had a doberman by my side since 1982 and well, I just was not me without one.  Even though Desire was still alive (and an old lady at age 10), we had not bonded like Moose and I did.

Desire was a Diva in her own right and basically a nut case.  She was beautiful but very aloof, stand offish, did not enjoy being petted, the only dog I ever had that bit the Vet and was afraid of almost everything (genetics because I had her since age 6 months and she had never had anything environmental to suggest these issues AND her Sire was completely unstable and mental).  Desire transitioned at home, it is a sweet story and if you knew Desire it would be even sweeter due to her aloofness.  She woke me up at 2am making sounds in her sleeping crate which worried me so I got up and got her out then I laid on the sofa to sleep with her on the floor beside me.  We drifted in and out of sleep with my hand dangling down and touching her gently rubbing her side occasionally then around 7am I felt her kick.  She kicked the wall making a sound as if she were leaping somewhere and then was gone.  It was that quick and that beautiful, her lesson of her body reacting to leaping into the place we will all return to one day. 

While looking at the internet, I saw a breeding that was to die for and well you guessed it.  Three months later and a few thousand American Dollars we picked Ele up from the air port in Tulsa.  Ele stands for Everyone Love Everyone by the way... just in case you wondered.

Then in 2007 we took in Carmel which is a mutt but I swear she is actually a human in a small furry body and one of the best dogs I have ever had the pleasure of spending time with.  Carmel was displaced during a severe ice storm so we fostered her and well... they never came back to get her.  The only thing I have issues with is that she is furry... I mean part some alaskan sled type dog with an under coat and part sneaky other dog so requires a lot of brushing and vacuuming and well in general everything else that comes with a longer coated dog.  Doberman's are single coated and very short furred so she is very different for me to work with AND she is stubborn as a Missouri Mule but loveable in cuddly ways that my Doberman's have never quite been.

So with getting older, these are definitely my last 2 dogs.... DEFINITELY.  I worry what would happen to them if someone else had them?  Would they be spoiled?  Would they be cared for?  Would they be loved?  These questions over ride any want of having another pet after these.  I just do not trust anyone else to care for the strings of my heart.  I can only imagine that reunion at the rainbow bridge when I arrive to pick them up and tears of joy flow just thinking about it now.

  Moose is the red on on the left, Desire the black on the right.

Fishing Trip and Near Downing

Sahibe caught a fish!!

What a wonderful day!!  The weather cooperated beautifully with upper 80 temps.  We were set to get on the road around 2pm.  The children started coming to the door at 1pm asking if we were ready.  Then 1:30 rolled around and another knock, knock, knock, "Can our friends come too?"  they asked hopefully, laughing, smiling and expectantly.  We laughed and said.... "the more the merrier" then decided to throw in an extra bag of chips to the picnic basket. 

In all we had 5 children ages 15 to 8 and 5 men folk.  Now please understand that I am laughing in just sheer joy over the next comments because diversity is simply a favorite of this heart of mine.  Our friends are from the Middle East, born and raised in the land of women never exposing their hair to a non-family member and quite proper.  We smile knowingly and chuckle often because here we are two American Women living together quite nicely with no men.  They are always ready to help when we need something heavy moved.  They refer to us as their Sisters (both privately and when introducing us to their friends) and we are not neighbors, we are family.  Not sure but with my hugging thing, it might be the only way they could keep the peace with all of their Muslim friends over our relationship. 

You can imagine that it has been interesting as we developed our mutually respectful relationship over the last 2 years.  Firstly we had to get the hugging issue out of the way.  I am a hugger after all.  The first time the Husband came over and treated us with mowing the front yard I was in delight over it.   I just ran out and hugged him.... ut oh.... yep this brought my friend, his wife, running and explaining that in their culture this is forbidden.  To which I explained that in MY culture it is completely acceptable to hug someone when they have done something very nice for us then apologized for any unintended offense.  Later it became clear that hugging (understand it is always quite quick) was now acceptable.  Life is a process.  LOL  Ok this is important as the story continues to understand that our wonderful fishing companions are quite ummm chauvinistic and Middle Eastern old fashioned types and here we have 5 grown Men accompanying us on this trip.  Oh My... pretty sure they are still talking about it today.

The children had never been fishing and actually we are not sure if the Parents have either but we are pretty sure they expected us to go all girly over putting worms on the hooks.  Ummm no.... fish eat worms, we want to catch fish AND we brought a brand new full roll of paper towels.  Now the girls on the other hand kept as far away from those wiggling worms as possible but eventually decided they were a necessary evil of fishing.  Next time we will bring artificial bait.  Each child learned to cast an open faced reel (it is all we fish with) and (except for putting worms on their own hooks) practiced happily until they perfected casting that bobber 1/2 way across the small pond.  Only had one incident which made them finally understand why staying away from that sharp hook and making sure not to be near as another was/is casting is important.  Thankfully the hook did not embed itself deeply and was easy to remove.  No more issues with constant harassing them to be careful of the hook after that.   Everyone had a good time, no real fishing was accomplished but they practiced reeling in and casting to their little hearts content.  Sahibe did catch a fish and I'm certain all of Palestine knows about his accomplishment today, I am also certain it turned from a 3 inch fish into a 3 foot fish by this morning which makes me proud to think he most probably has learned the art of a good fishing tale.  We were very proud of the men for staying in the shade which allowed Karen and I to have our fun day teaching the children to fish. 

After fishing, it was time to go swimming so we all moved to the swimming beach.  I did not want to swim so sat comfortably in the fold up chair watching with little Malath (she is 11), who also did not want to swim, on the shore. Four of the men also sat on the shore occasionally breaking out into an Arabic song which caused Malathe to hide her face embarrassed and quiet but joyous laughter from my own lips. 

Karen (my Partner) swam out to boiy (no idea how to spell it) which was oh around an 1/8 to a 1/4 of a mile into the lake.  She swims like a fish.  I watched happily from the shore.  When she reached the boiy I noticed that Eshmahel decided to swim out also and watched (he is in his 20's).  Now understand that in their custom a woman had just out done them and he had to reclaim his honor and make sure that a man was also represented as swimming out so far.  Oy Vey..... We think this behavior is cute and take no offense to it at all because well... they know us and we are just who we are which is an education all in its very own right on American diversity, friendliness and how not to judge a book by its cover.  Later Eshmahel would say, "Well, I thought that her being a woman and over age 50, I could do it too".  Karen is very athletic and fit for our age. 

Karen and Eshmahel rested at the boiy then started back.  Karen started yelling for help but I honestly thought she was playing with the other children who were nearer to the bank.  If she had called my name I would have taken her seriously.  Eshmahel was in trouble.  We did not know that he has heart issues and on the return trip he exhausted in about 20 foot of water.  She flipped him over but being tired herself could do little as he kept pulling her under.  This is when we knew there was a problem and another very athletic man swam out to help.  Thinking about it this morning, it was probably a good thing that I did not react until they were closer to the shore.  I just can't imagine poor Karen dealing with the 5 men out there and all of them getting into trouble trying to save poor Eshmahel. 

My friend looked at me as a worry came over my face and asked what was wrong?  I said, "I'm trying to figure out what is going on out there" and pointed.  By this time Karen and the other man had Eshmahel in shallower water, one on each side with the middle not being able to stand on his own.  The 4 men went running.  

We took a lawn chair to him then moved him near the path.  Karen and I went to get the Explorer and headed down the muddy dirt path to be close to him so he did not need to walk the far distance back to a vehicle.  So bonus... we got to go mudding on this trip.  

Eshmahel was doing fine by the time we all arrived home.  His stomach is (or was) upset over swallowing lake water and the humiliation of a woman saving his life but life is wonderful as everyone is fine and another American lesson accomplished.

Now we have to deal with the after math of this thing because our neighbor has already told us that he is washing the mud off of our car today!!!  Karen did after all save his friends life.  OY VEY.... today we will explain that this is just what Americans do..... when someone is in trouble we help in anyway we can. 

What a beautiful day it was... oh and after a bath... I slept an incredible 10 hours straight. 

Appreciating Nature - Our Plants

These plants rode in the trunk of our car for over a week while moving in 2011

I am not really sure how long these plants have been in our family.  The Heart Leafed Philodendron was started from a plant my Mom had every since I could remember.  The other on the left came in an arrangement sent for one of many possibilities via floral arrangements so long ago that I can not recall when.  Many plants have come and gone, decided it was there time and I've loved them all.  These two old friends, however, rode in the trunk of our car for over a week (along with 2 others that are not doing well so they are in the "baby crib" being restarted currently.  A couple times a day we would open the trunk lid so they could breathe and get a little sun shine.  They give me hope, each time I water and mist (Sunday is the day for this loving task).  They remind me that along with the many reasons we left our former home, we also brought a lot of beauty.   They remind me every time I go in or out the door that we continue growing even if uprooted, shoved in a very dark place for a while and are neglected.  I so love the love returned from my plants.  

Further over on the front stoop you would see these two, the one on the left is a start from the above plant.  We started this one shortly after moving here to thin the recovering plant after getting it out of the trunk.  The Fern was one of the many adopted plants.  It came with another, a Boston Fern, but the Boston decided to transition.  There are more but I won't bore you with the variegated philodendron or the mother of millions (which due to its willingness to spread stays secluded in its own portion of the front porch).

Most of our plants have been given to us.  Neighbors just show up with them.  The Mother of Millions, silver leaf and ferns came from a lady who was moving and wanted her living greenery to continue.  The 3 varieties of Hosta from another sweet lady thinning her garden.  The strawberries and mint planted this year from other neighbors.  The most beautiful thing about our garden is that each time I water, prune, care for our plants the beautiful memories of how they came magically warms my heart with love.   

Think I want elephant ears for the yard and a spider plant for the house next.  Yes, I believe that would be very nice.  

 

Strawberries and Everyday Miracles

 Strawberries and every day miracles.... yes life as seen "Between the Cracks". 

This year we decided to add strawberry plants to our little back yard garden.  The previous tenants had the above strawberry planter in another section of the yard using it as a catch all while calling it a compost bin.  Here in year three of our little project of back yard love, we decided to dig it up, put it where we wanted it then use it for what it was designed to be, an upright, space saving, strawberry planter.  YAY us... only we forgot that strawberries are usually started very EARLY in spring or late Fall and this was quite late in the season.

With high spirits we pried, pulled and dug up the now half buried strawberry bin from its well established place in the yard.  Why did we not just use one of the new in the plastic ones from the garage?  All I can do is shrug and say... no we needed this one and only this one would do.

After wiping the sweat from our brows, moving the bin and wondering where we put the Alieve, it was in what we decided would be the perfect place for our new strawberry plants.  It was beautiful and perfect and ready.  So off to the store we go for strawberry plants.

At the store we picked up all of the seeds we would be planting for this year then asked where the strawberry plants and garlic would happen to be.  The clerk gave us a very strange look and pointed toward the clearance bin.  We found a package of 6 strawberry plants and the garlic at a price we could hardly believe.  The price could only be considered a MIRACLE.  Of course, after the garlic was planted I learned that we are suppose to plant garlic in the FALL.  OK so now we are calling the beautiful garlic growing an experiment.  I honestly have no idea what to expect but suppose it will turn out exactly as it is suppose to.   

The strawberry plants... ummm well I just was not sure what to think so I soaked them in water over night to at least be able to pull the bundle apart without them crumbling into dust.  I was not encouraged but with high spirits continued forward with the project.  Weeks after planting our newest garden addition I called over my Partner and several of the neighbors asking them what kind of strawberry plants these were?  In my entire life, I had never seen leaves like that on a strawberry plant. It was decided that they were not strawberry plants but were weeds that had come up in the soil.  Just in case though I kept tenderly caring for them.

Another week or so and I saw my neighbor swinging her Grandbaby on the swings in the park just behind our house.  We visited for a few minutes about her beautiful Grandbaby and then she says... "Hey, my Brother brought me over 6 huge pots of strawberry plants and I have no idea what to do with them."  I'm like woah..... really??? Is this really happening???  But this is our life of living appreciation and fully being open and receptive to getting what we want like a spoiled child from out of thin air.  I say, "I know what to do with them, come with me".

Oh, almost forgot, and why did we not use the new bin still in the plastic in the garage?  My neighbors Mother came to visit him and stopped to admire our garden.  She remarked over that Strawberry container and how versatile it could be.  Something like that would be just perfect on her back deck because she was well past the age of the bending and stooping an actual garden requires.  You should have seen her face light up... she just beamed sunshine and happiness as I said... Wait right here for a minute.  So that is where that extra strawberry bin was suppose to go, we were just holding it for her. 

Still chuckling over how synchronicity works but well... the Strawberries are doing just fine now and everything is right in our world once again. 

Diversity - Finding the Similarities

We moved here 2 years ago last month.  I'll try to keep this story short without leaving out anything important.  This is a skill I am working hard to gain, it is a work in progress.

The story of how we ended up here would be considered a miracle in itself but maybe another time I'll tell you that one.

We arrived on the hottest day of the summer that year (101 degrees) and set up our camping equipment in the back yard much to the surprise of all the neighbors on either side.  The home we were moving into was vacant and had been for over a year.  Being a bug a phobe (as I call it) we had stopped by a department store, picked up bombs to bomb the house before moving our things into it.  Over kill?  Probably but this is me authentic, unique and when my mind is set unshakable.  Our neighbors first impression of us?  Two crazy women, one bed in one tent AND they had a Doberman and a Mutt. 

Before coming I had heard all about the neighbors on either side of us.  Our friends lived on the one side so we were very familiar with them.  They filled us in on the others close while we sat with a fan blowing on us, the dogs safely under the shade of the huge maple tree (something I've always wished for) and just relaxing.  We were filled in on the neighbors from the Middle East... from IRAC and hardly speak English.  We learned about our friends perception of this.  Next to our Middle Eastern neighbors was a family (duplex) that were very quiet, the wife suffering from depression, often fighting and the husband nice but a rough exterior.  On the other side of the street were the "crack heads" with no evidence of this being truth but it was a perception.  We were given warnings to protect us from making mistakes with involvement with the "wrong" crowd.  Oh I so love them for their concern.  We listened carefully and thought (both my partner and myself) this will turn out exactly like we want it to.

The first year was busy with working on our duplex, finding a job, getting the pets settled and all of the normal things that go into a big move.  The yard was overgrown but it was exactly what I had again wished for, green and growing wildly just waiting for loving hands to prune it, make it ours.  I keep trying to tell the neighbors that I do NOT have a green thumb, I just help things that wish to thrive, thrive but they don't believe me.  This first year neighbors began bringing me their sick plants.  I would put them with the healthy plants and ask the healthy plants to encourage them and within a month or so send the now healthy plant back to its home.  Still laughing over that one.  Well all except for one that was a real survivor and the owner decided to leave it here and just come visit it occasionally.

Working in the yard gave me the opportunity to have short visits with neighbors as they came and went.  When the basil took over 5 different pots, yes it was a mess but they were too healthy to throw out, I took pots to many of the neighbors and even gave one to a sales person walking by trying to sell cable to the neighborhood.  Another time a lady from the apartment complex down the street asked about all of my plants on the porch as she walked home from the bus station.  She said, "I sure would like a start".  As I had restarted the over growth in pots that spring, I sent her home with a couple. 

It was during these wonderful days that the diversity in the neighborhood became a colorful, beautiful landscape of its very own.  The "crack head" neighbors are really sweet and visiting with the lady I learned that we had both lost a teen age child finding that we were much more similar than not.  The Middle Eastern Family has become an extended family, we share food back and forth, laughter, spoil their children on holidays and if we ever need anything heavy moved they are on their way smiling, happy to help family.  The neighbors next to the Middle Eastern Family moved but before doing so, each time I saw either of them, they would return a warm smile.  Another moved into their duplex, a black man who after visiting for a while out back, I learned that we both had a passion for dog training.  What a beautiful landscape of diversity and if I had listened to well meaning people who out of nothing but love wanted to protect us, it would have never been seen.

What did I learn?  We, as human beings, are more similar than we are different.  We each hold our own perception of events surrounding us.  We each choose, in every moment, how our own personal worlds will respond to us by saying yes to the positives and letting go of the rest. 

Living Appreciation - What Does it Mean to YOU?

I often wonder what things mean to others.  Each of us only holds our own personal truth.  We may find others who hold a similar truth but never exactly the same if it were examined fully.  It is enough to find others with which we agree on enough points to share a few moments with, I think. 

Personally, Living Appreciation means to me that I am vigilant, actively looking for things to appreciate every waking moment of my life. 

This certainly does not mean that I ignore things that I do not appreciate.  Unappreciated things are just stuff put in my day to give me something to make a decision about.  It is the unappreciated that gives me life.  If I just sat around with everything I wanted ever moment of my life, it would be quite boring after a while AND what if I changed my mind about what I wanted?  Here I will try to explain.

All around me are hundreds of things each moment which are appreciated with every fiber of my being.  Some of these things, you might find mundane where I adore them.  For instance I adore the electricity to run my computer, lights and all other appliances.  I do not appreciate the Utility bill each month.  The Utility bill, however, is just something to make a decision about.  I either choose to pay it or I do not.  If I stop appreciating all the wonderful things that the Utility Company makes certain are at my finger tips then I will stop paying them.   For now I fully appreciate every joy received by the Utility Company.  I appreciate the workers at the Company maintaining electric lines, the people answering the phone when I have a question and even beyond that to workers in coal mines, folks working in paper factories to make the paper for my monthly decision to receive or not to receive. 

Tonight I appreciate my simple dinner which fills my tummy nicely and nourishes my body allowing me to sit here and type this blog.  I do not appreciate the fact that it was not a very nice Rib Eye Steak.  For now turkey is appreciated but on my list of future appreciations will be that Steak.  It is looked forward to with great joy of it coming one day.  Until then, I decide what is appreciated more than the steak.  Oh, my mouth waters just thinking of the joy that will bring.  In fact as we think about this together, I think that it will be a very special evening, maybe even put candles on the table, cloth napkins and snip some of the beautiful flowers for a vase from our ever growing back yard garden.  The wild flower patch just kind of exploded over night with that nice rain we had. 

I very much enjoy paying my bills each month (due to higher than normal expenses we are eating turkey this month).  Will my creditors ever know that we chose to eat a Turkey for a month to pay their fees?  Most probably will not because I believe that our creditors have enough decisions of their own to make.  When I talk to my creditors it is a much nicer conversation if they are wanting to sell me something more because they appreciate the business we have done together so far rather than asking why I am not appreciating them by not paying the bill.  So it is with high spirits that I prepare for automatic bank drafts, call in a credit card payment or write a check.  If ever I stop appreciating the services rendered by our creditors we will part ways as a new decision will be made regarding that unappreciated thought.  This is not something that a lot of time is spent thinking about because it takes away time that I could be appreciating the next great thing like the absolutely fantastic weather we are having today.

When I get down or depressed those emotions are given whatever time they need to be fully processed.  I appreciate having a mind that is so flexible that such a wide variety can be felt.  So if down or depressed, I will give it my full attention usually drawing the blinds, turning off the ringer on the telephone, getting a quart of ice cream from the freezer or popping some corn then sit in our comfortable living room watching a movie or two or maybe even three.  I may even decide to just do the bare minimum for the day and take a mental health day to sleep all I want.  The point is that I appreciate that my mind is capable of feeling so much so I give it the attention needed until another decision is made. 

If I get angry, get yourself ready or RUN because I fully appreciate this emotion as much as the carefree happy ones.  Getting angry simply means that something needs my immediate attention and whatever that something is will be dealt with quickly and usually very loudly.  I do not repress this emotion because, to me, repressing one emotion impacts all emotions.  To get a really good feel of how I express anger just read my Bed Bug adventure. 

When I feel love this emotion is also expressed in all of its glory.  Often, I get in trouble for being too demonstrative as hugs are quickly dispensed by me.  It amazes me how a tiny hug can be taken for so much more than it is intended but that is a small price to pay when I feel love it must be appreciated fully through action.  I am at my happiest when others will allow me to love them through enjoying the goodies I bake or letting me see that they enjoy a few moments of conversation.  Yes these are the best of moments.

So, What does it mean to you to Live Appreciation?  I really am curious and would love to know. 

Appreciating The 90 Degree Humid Evening

Window Air Conditioner humming nicely in the window it does not seem quite so hot and humid sitting here at my computer.  Last year we sent up a pure intention of needing a used window A/C unit for the down stairs.  With in a couple of days our A/C unit was on Craigslist for exactly the price we wanted to pay, $75.  Happily we went to pick it up, it is HEAVY we strained and struggled bringing it down from the 5th floor apartment.  The apartment had changed out units in each of apartment with the intention of throwing away the old units.  This particular unit was cleaned up and put on Craigslist after the Apartment Manager agreed that previous owner could have it.  After fitting it into the window frame, fitting foam around it and plugging it in, we soon became aware of what the previous owner meant when she said, "it will run you out of the room"!    I shiver with delight at the icy air from the used unit.  Silently, I smile sending appreciation to whatever force made all of that happen and know that someone, somewhere is listening.

Outside the garden grows and Grows and GROWS everything green, healthy and alive.  While one of the girls did her business (the little 4 legged furriest one) I grabbed gardening tools to remove some of the green which should not be there.  Visions came of what that area will look like before night fall, again a smile came to my lips as I thought, every where I have ever lived things just grow beautifully, wildly, and freely.  My yard (regardless of location) has always been a jungle needing daily attention.  It will never be the perfect, well groomed tidy yard of others.  It is messy, free and growing just like me.

My neighbor comes out to make the trek to his garage hollering, "where have you been?  I've missed you." while reaching for his keys.  I return his bright smile then explain that I've been working then tell him that he looks very nice.  My neighbor shoots back, "I dress like this because I am young, not like my wife, she is old."  in broken English while laughing at the joke.  I shoot back a quick, "She makes YOU look good" then laugh myself at the ease of our quick visit.  He would be completely lost without his loving, caring, doting wife and he absolutely knows this. 

The lavender transplanted a few days ago might disagree with my gardening view point at this moment as it is busy rooting in its new location, not worrying what the foliage above ground looks like.  As I water it I marvel at what must be happening below the soil where I can not see.  This brings me to the thought of people recovering from abuse.  How marvelous are the changes happening within which no one can see yet, knowing that daily, hourly, minute by minute we are slowly rooting in the inner most corners of ourselves. 

History I thought, just my history which means exactly what to my future?  This I pondered as I sat on my upturned bucket being used as a make shift stool.  I've long given up on trying to get anyone to listen, everyone has their own realities to tend to.  For a very long time, it was extremely lonely as my Ex continued relationships with almost everyone I formerly knew.  His version of our reality was vastly different than my own.  Visions of my family gathering around me in support when I finally told them the truth had long since passed as just a story of someone elses reality.  As with almost all abused persons, I became quite adept at my level of making everything look just fine, normal and ok to all those around me.  I always thought, why bring them into it?  I choose to stay so whatever happens is my own fault anyway.  The good days were very good though and those I could share with everyone.  What in the end did they know?  Only what I had shown them.  From my friends and families point of view, I was just being selfish, childish and needed to grow up because he loves me and that is hard to find.  Right?  With the knowledge of what they had seen as my behavior and what he was telling them, there was no way to change their minds so best to just leave it be.  I will be the bad person of that reality if it gets me away from the mental abuse and anguish.

It has been 2 years since the great escape.  Still I live in fear knowing that even after a year he was trying to find me, those relationships were cut off by me as quickly as the questions became along with the words of how much he still loves me.  If that is love then I just don't want it.  Still, in many ways that I can not go into, he controls me and keeps me hostage to living less than a full life.  Best to just stay in hiding and heal, find appreciation in all that I do have which is bountiful and wait.  

So much has happened in 2 short years and so many dreams still to be fulfilled.  One by one they come.  Frustrated that I can not do more they come more slowly than I would like but still they come and I feel intense appreciation for knowing that everything will come in its own time.

I watch the beauty of the garden growing and know that it grows for me, it grows because I love it, it grows because of the care given to it.  Appreciation wells up within me as I understand the truth of the moment which is that I am growing because I love me and the degree with how much growth occurs is in direct proportion to the care given to me.  

For all survivors of abuse, love yourself and give yourself the care needed to find you again.  You are still here, you are still within that beautiful shell of a body.  No one will ever understand what you have been though, no one could.  Even if you have never known you, you are perfect, unique and loved.  We find ourselves moment by moment through our hearts saying yes to some things and no to others.  Keep walking toward the yeses.  Pay attention to what is appreciated and reach for that while turning away (it will take more time in our minds than physically) from the unwanted.  We can do this, I know we can. 

Living Appreciation, We Choose our View

You may be following my newest adventure with the Bed Bug ordeal.  If you are then you also may see that getting bed bugs may just be the best thing that has happened to me in 23 years. 

Perhaps another time, I may go into being in a relationship with a narcissist but it will help with understanding to say that this type of relationship is easy to get into then easier to stay in rather than get out of.  Right here, right now is the point where the Divine I AM reminds me who I use to be and it all happened with getting Bed Bugs.  During a 23 year time span, my former self (the one I loved) faded away.  I feared she would never return and had no idea how to help her come back. 

The choices as I see it are to lament getting these ugly horrible things sinking into an even deeper depression (if that is possible) or to try to (in my limited way) understand why the Divine I AM would allow it, considering that I absolutely abhor bugs.  There is nothing in my point of attraction that would ever suggest that these were attracted through obsessing in some way with them.  This is why we did not see them for quite some time, long enough for them to set up cozy housekeeping in our bedroom.  I just never really looked for them, getting them was so far from my reality that it really surprised me, horrified me and became quite thought provoking when they were discovered. 

The question was, if I did not attract bed bugs then what is it that I did attract that is in my best interest?  The answer is that I found the determination that was lost.  I found me in the fight with these tiny blood suckers that I had lost.  I found something acceptable to become enraged with as during the 23 years I began believing that the other was never at fault and it was my Karma to just adapt.  Adapt to Bed Bugs??? I think NOT.  The bugs gave me something acceptable to get really pissed off over.  If it is unacceptable to adapt to these creatures being a part of my reality then why would it be acceptable to allow other creatures sucking my very life blood, my soul, my individuality from me? 

It is by eliminating the unwanted that I create the wanted.  To date I had felt guilty over walking away from the situation and sorry for the "mess" I had left behind.  Yes, the mess in my mind was solely my responsibility and laying it down was a failure of epic proportions crippling me as a person.  Unable to go forward and unwilling to go backward, I pretty much looked normal to anyone meeting me but inwardly I cowered in a corner of my psyche afraid to make a decision.  Any decision I made would be wrong. 

I so appreciate this adventure with the horrors of Bed Bugs because it is only with this level of horror that the beauty of myself may be found again.  Last year my inner being brought roaches which were eliminated post haste but it was not enough of a challenge to blast through the barriers of my mind, through the self erected walls keeping me from being me.  Perhaps the walls were just too thick to be torn down in one blasting?  I am not certain but what I am certain of is that I do not now or ever again have to live with blood or soul sucking creatures unless I choose to.  I am certain that when a situation is so far from my own vibration that it can not be stabilized the best thing to do is to change the view.  I am certain that this is acceptable.