Window Air Conditioner humming nicely in the window it does not seem quite so hot and humid sitting here at my computer. Last year we sent up a pure intention of needing a used window A/C unit for the down stairs. With in a couple of days our A/C unit was on Craigslist for exactly the price we wanted to pay, $75. Happily we went to pick it up, it is HEAVY we strained and struggled bringing it down from the 5th floor apartment. The apartment had changed out units in each of apartment with the intention of throwing away the old units. This particular unit was cleaned up and put on Craigslist after the Apartment Manager agreed that previous owner could have it. After fitting it into the window frame, fitting foam around it and plugging it in, we soon became aware of what the previous owner meant when she said, "it will run you out of the room"! I shiver with delight at the icy air from the used unit. Silently, I smile sending appreciation to whatever force made all of that happen and know that someone, somewhere is listening.
Outside the garden grows and Grows and GROWS everything green, healthy and alive. While one of the girls did her business (the little 4 legged furriest one) I grabbed gardening tools to remove some of the green which should not be there. Visions came of what that area will look like before night fall, again a smile came to my lips as I thought, every where I have ever lived things just grow beautifully, wildly, and freely. My yard (regardless of location) has always been a jungle needing daily attention. It will never be the perfect, well groomed tidy yard of others. It is messy, free and growing just like me.
My neighbor comes out to make the trek to his garage hollering, "where have you been? I've missed you." while reaching for his keys. I return his bright smile then explain that I've been working then tell him that he looks very nice. My neighbor shoots back, "I dress like this because I am young, not like my wife, she is old." in broken English while laughing at the joke. I shoot back a quick, "She makes YOU look good" then laugh myself at the ease of our quick visit. He would be completely lost without his loving, caring, doting wife and he absolutely knows this.
The lavender transplanted a few days ago might disagree with my gardening view point at this moment as it is busy rooting in its new location, not worrying what the foliage above ground looks like. As I water it I marvel at what must be happening below the soil where I can not see. This brings me to the thought of people recovering from abuse. How marvelous are the changes happening within which no one can see yet, knowing that daily, hourly, minute by minute we are slowly rooting in the inner most corners of ourselves.
History I thought, just my history which means exactly what to my future? This I pondered as I sat on my upturned bucket being used as a make shift stool. I've long given up on trying to get anyone to listen, everyone has their own realities to tend to. For a very long time, it was extremely lonely as my Ex continued relationships with almost everyone I formerly knew. His version of our reality was vastly different than my own. Visions of my family gathering around me in support when I finally told them the truth had long since passed as just a story of someone elses reality. As with almost all abused persons, I became quite adept at my level of making everything look just fine, normal and ok to all those around me. I always thought, why bring them into it? I choose to stay so whatever happens is my own fault anyway. The good days were very good though and those I could share with everyone. What in the end did they know? Only what I had shown them. From my friends and families point of view, I was just being selfish, childish and needed to grow up because he loves me and that is hard to find. Right? With the knowledge of what they had seen as my behavior and what he was telling them, there was no way to change their minds so best to just leave it be. I will be the bad person of that reality if it gets me away from the mental abuse and anguish.
It has been 2 years since the great escape. Still I live in fear knowing that even after a year he was trying to find me, those relationships were cut off by me as quickly as the questions became along with the words of how much he still loves me. If that is love then I just don't want it. Still, in many ways that I can not go into, he controls me and keeps me hostage to living less than a full life. Best to just stay in hiding and heal, find appreciation in all that I do have which is bountiful and wait.
So much has happened in 2 short years and so many dreams still to be fulfilled. One by one they come. Frustrated that I can not do more they come more slowly than I would like but still they come and I feel intense appreciation for knowing that everything will come in its own time.
I watch the beauty of the garden growing and know that it grows for me, it grows because I love it, it grows because of the care given to it. Appreciation wells up within me as I understand the truth of the moment which is that I am growing because I love me and the degree with how much growth occurs is in direct proportion to the care given to me.
For all survivors of abuse, love yourself and give yourself the care needed to find you again. You are still here, you are still within that beautiful shell of a body. No one will ever understand what you have been though, no one could. Even if you have never known you, you are perfect, unique and loved. We find ourselves moment by moment through our hearts saying yes to some things and no to others. Keep walking toward the yeses. Pay attention to what is appreciated and reach for that while turning away (it will take more time in our minds than physically) from the unwanted. We can do this, I know we can.
Outside the garden grows and Grows and GROWS everything green, healthy and alive. While one of the girls did her business (the little 4 legged furriest one) I grabbed gardening tools to remove some of the green which should not be there. Visions came of what that area will look like before night fall, again a smile came to my lips as I thought, every where I have ever lived things just grow beautifully, wildly, and freely. My yard (regardless of location) has always been a jungle needing daily attention. It will never be the perfect, well groomed tidy yard of others. It is messy, free and growing just like me.
My neighbor comes out to make the trek to his garage hollering, "where have you been? I've missed you." while reaching for his keys. I return his bright smile then explain that I've been working then tell him that he looks very nice. My neighbor shoots back, "I dress like this because I am young, not like my wife, she is old." in broken English while laughing at the joke. I shoot back a quick, "She makes YOU look good" then laugh myself at the ease of our quick visit. He would be completely lost without his loving, caring, doting wife and he absolutely knows this.
The lavender transplanted a few days ago might disagree with my gardening view point at this moment as it is busy rooting in its new location, not worrying what the foliage above ground looks like. As I water it I marvel at what must be happening below the soil where I can not see. This brings me to the thought of people recovering from abuse. How marvelous are the changes happening within which no one can see yet, knowing that daily, hourly, minute by minute we are slowly rooting in the inner most corners of ourselves.
History I thought, just my history which means exactly what to my future? This I pondered as I sat on my upturned bucket being used as a make shift stool. I've long given up on trying to get anyone to listen, everyone has their own realities to tend to. For a very long time, it was extremely lonely as my Ex continued relationships with almost everyone I formerly knew. His version of our reality was vastly different than my own. Visions of my family gathering around me in support when I finally told them the truth had long since passed as just a story of someone elses reality. As with almost all abused persons, I became quite adept at my level of making everything look just fine, normal and ok to all those around me. I always thought, why bring them into it? I choose to stay so whatever happens is my own fault anyway. The good days were very good though and those I could share with everyone. What in the end did they know? Only what I had shown them. From my friends and families point of view, I was just being selfish, childish and needed to grow up because he loves me and that is hard to find. Right? With the knowledge of what they had seen as my behavior and what he was telling them, there was no way to change their minds so best to just leave it be. I will be the bad person of that reality if it gets me away from the mental abuse and anguish.
It has been 2 years since the great escape. Still I live in fear knowing that even after a year he was trying to find me, those relationships were cut off by me as quickly as the questions became along with the words of how much he still loves me. If that is love then I just don't want it. Still, in many ways that I can not go into, he controls me and keeps me hostage to living less than a full life. Best to just stay in hiding and heal, find appreciation in all that I do have which is bountiful and wait.
So much has happened in 2 short years and so many dreams still to be fulfilled. One by one they come. Frustrated that I can not do more they come more slowly than I would like but still they come and I feel intense appreciation for knowing that everything will come in its own time.
I watch the beauty of the garden growing and know that it grows for me, it grows because I love it, it grows because of the care given to it. Appreciation wells up within me as I understand the truth of the moment which is that I am growing because I love me and the degree with how much growth occurs is in direct proportion to the care given to me.
For all survivors of abuse, love yourself and give yourself the care needed to find you again. You are still here, you are still within that beautiful shell of a body. No one will ever understand what you have been though, no one could. Even if you have never known you, you are perfect, unique and loved. We find ourselves moment by moment through our hearts saying yes to some things and no to others. Keep walking toward the yeses. Pay attention to what is appreciated and reach for that while turning away (it will take more time in our minds than physically) from the unwanted. We can do this, I know we can.
