I often wonder what things mean to others. Each of us only holds our own personal truth. We may find others who hold a similar truth but never exactly the same if it were examined fully. It is enough to find others with which we agree on enough points to share a few moments with, I think.
Personally, Living Appreciation means to me that I am vigilant, actively looking for things to appreciate every waking moment of my life.
This certainly does not mean that I ignore things that I do not appreciate. Unappreciated things are just stuff put in my day to give me something to make a decision about. It is the unappreciated that gives me life. If I just sat around with everything I wanted ever moment of my life, it would be quite boring after a while AND what if I changed my mind about what I wanted? Here I will try to explain.
All around me are hundreds of things each moment which are appreciated with every fiber of my being. Some of these things, you might find mundane where I adore them. For instance I adore the electricity to run my computer, lights and all other appliances. I do not appreciate the Utility bill each month. The Utility bill, however, is just something to make a decision about. I either choose to pay it or I do not. If I stop appreciating all the wonderful things that the Utility Company makes certain are at my finger tips then I will stop paying them. For now I fully appreciate every joy received by the Utility Company. I appreciate the workers at the Company maintaining electric lines, the people answering the phone when I have a question and even beyond that to workers in coal mines, folks working in paper factories to make the paper for my monthly decision to receive or not to receive.
Tonight I appreciate my simple dinner which fills my tummy nicely and nourishes my body allowing me to sit here and type this blog. I do not appreciate the fact that it was not a very nice Rib Eye Steak. For now turkey is appreciated but on my list of future appreciations will be that Steak. It is looked forward to with great joy of it coming one day. Until then, I decide what is appreciated more than the steak. Oh, my mouth waters just thinking of the joy that will bring. In fact as we think about this together, I think that it will be a very special evening, maybe even put candles on the table, cloth napkins and snip some of the beautiful flowers for a vase from our ever growing back yard garden. The wild flower patch just kind of exploded over night with that nice rain we had.
I very much enjoy paying my bills each month (due to higher than normal expenses we are eating turkey this month). Will my creditors ever know that we chose to eat a Turkey for a month to pay their fees? Most probably will not because I believe that our creditors have enough decisions of their own to make. When I talk to my creditors it is a much nicer conversation if they are wanting to sell me something more because they appreciate the business we have done together so far rather than asking why I am not appreciating them by not paying the bill. So it is with high spirits that I prepare for automatic bank drafts, call in a credit card payment or write a check. If ever I stop appreciating the services rendered by our creditors we will part ways as a new decision will be made regarding that unappreciated thought. This is not something that a lot of time is spent thinking about because it takes away time that I could be appreciating the next great thing like the absolutely fantastic weather we are having today.
When I get down or depressed those emotions are given whatever time they need to be fully processed. I appreciate having a mind that is so flexible that such a wide variety can be felt. So if down or depressed, I will give it my full attention usually drawing the blinds, turning off the ringer on the telephone, getting a quart of ice cream from the freezer or popping some corn then sit in our comfortable living room watching a movie or two or maybe even three. I may even decide to just do the bare minimum for the day and take a mental health day to sleep all I want. The point is that I appreciate that my mind is capable of feeling so much so I give it the attention needed until another decision is made.
If I get angry, get yourself ready or RUN because I fully appreciate this emotion as much as the carefree happy ones. Getting angry simply means that something needs my immediate attention and whatever that something is will be dealt with quickly and usually very loudly. I do not repress this emotion because, to me, repressing one emotion impacts all emotions. To get a really good feel of how I express anger just read my Bed Bug adventure.
When I feel love this emotion is also expressed in all of its glory. Often, I get in trouble for being too demonstrative as hugs are quickly dispensed by me. It amazes me how a tiny hug can be taken for so much more than it is intended but that is a small price to pay when I feel love it must be appreciated fully through action. I am at my happiest when others will allow me to love them through enjoying the goodies I bake or letting me see that they enjoy a few moments of conversation. Yes these are the best of moments.
So, What does it mean to you to Live Appreciation? I really am curious and would love to know.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Appreciating The 90 Degree Humid Evening
Window Air Conditioner humming nicely in the window it does not seem quite so hot and humid sitting here at my computer. Last year we sent up a pure intention of needing a used window A/C unit for the down stairs. With in a couple of days our A/C unit was on Craigslist for exactly the price we wanted to pay, $75. Happily we went to pick it up, it is HEAVY we strained and struggled bringing it down from the 5th floor apartment. The apartment had changed out units in each of apartment with the intention of throwing away the old units. This particular unit was cleaned up and put on Craigslist after the Apartment Manager agreed that previous owner could have it. After fitting it into the window frame, fitting foam around it and plugging it in, we soon became aware of what the previous owner meant when she said, "it will run you out of the room"! I shiver with delight at the icy air from the used unit. Silently, I smile sending appreciation to whatever force made all of that happen and know that someone, somewhere is listening.
Outside the garden grows and Grows and GROWS everything green, healthy and alive. While one of the girls did her business (the little 4 legged furriest one) I grabbed gardening tools to remove some of the green which should not be there. Visions came of what that area will look like before night fall, again a smile came to my lips as I thought, every where I have ever lived things just grow beautifully, wildly, and freely. My yard (regardless of location) has always been a jungle needing daily attention. It will never be the perfect, well groomed tidy yard of others. It is messy, free and growing just like me.
My neighbor comes out to make the trek to his garage hollering, "where have you been? I've missed you." while reaching for his keys. I return his bright smile then explain that I've been working then tell him that he looks very nice. My neighbor shoots back, "I dress like this because I am young, not like my wife, she is old." in broken English while laughing at the joke. I shoot back a quick, "She makes YOU look good" then laugh myself at the ease of our quick visit. He would be completely lost without his loving, caring, doting wife and he absolutely knows this.
The lavender transplanted a few days ago might disagree with my gardening view point at this moment as it is busy rooting in its new location, not worrying what the foliage above ground looks like. As I water it I marvel at what must be happening below the soil where I can not see. This brings me to the thought of people recovering from abuse. How marvelous are the changes happening within which no one can see yet, knowing that daily, hourly, minute by minute we are slowly rooting in the inner most corners of ourselves.
History I thought, just my history which means exactly what to my future? This I pondered as I sat on my upturned bucket being used as a make shift stool. I've long given up on trying to get anyone to listen, everyone has their own realities to tend to. For a very long time, it was extremely lonely as my Ex continued relationships with almost everyone I formerly knew. His version of our reality was vastly different than my own. Visions of my family gathering around me in support when I finally told them the truth had long since passed as just a story of someone elses reality. As with almost all abused persons, I became quite adept at my level of making everything look just fine, normal and ok to all those around me. I always thought, why bring them into it? I choose to stay so whatever happens is my own fault anyway. The good days were very good though and those I could share with everyone. What in the end did they know? Only what I had shown them. From my friends and families point of view, I was just being selfish, childish and needed to grow up because he loves me and that is hard to find. Right? With the knowledge of what they had seen as my behavior and what he was telling them, there was no way to change their minds so best to just leave it be. I will be the bad person of that reality if it gets me away from the mental abuse and anguish.
It has been 2 years since the great escape. Still I live in fear knowing that even after a year he was trying to find me, those relationships were cut off by me as quickly as the questions became along with the words of how much he still loves me. If that is love then I just don't want it. Still, in many ways that I can not go into, he controls me and keeps me hostage to living less than a full life. Best to just stay in hiding and heal, find appreciation in all that I do have which is bountiful and wait.
So much has happened in 2 short years and so many dreams still to be fulfilled. One by one they come. Frustrated that I can not do more they come more slowly than I would like but still they come and I feel intense appreciation for knowing that everything will come in its own time.
I watch the beauty of the garden growing and know that it grows for me, it grows because I love it, it grows because of the care given to it. Appreciation wells up within me as I understand the truth of the moment which is that I am growing because I love me and the degree with how much growth occurs is in direct proportion to the care given to me.
For all survivors of abuse, love yourself and give yourself the care needed to find you again. You are still here, you are still within that beautiful shell of a body. No one will ever understand what you have been though, no one could. Even if you have never known you, you are perfect, unique and loved. We find ourselves moment by moment through our hearts saying yes to some things and no to others. Keep walking toward the yeses. Pay attention to what is appreciated and reach for that while turning away (it will take more time in our minds than physically) from the unwanted. We can do this, I know we can.
Outside the garden grows and Grows and GROWS everything green, healthy and alive. While one of the girls did her business (the little 4 legged furriest one) I grabbed gardening tools to remove some of the green which should not be there. Visions came of what that area will look like before night fall, again a smile came to my lips as I thought, every where I have ever lived things just grow beautifully, wildly, and freely. My yard (regardless of location) has always been a jungle needing daily attention. It will never be the perfect, well groomed tidy yard of others. It is messy, free and growing just like me.
My neighbor comes out to make the trek to his garage hollering, "where have you been? I've missed you." while reaching for his keys. I return his bright smile then explain that I've been working then tell him that he looks very nice. My neighbor shoots back, "I dress like this because I am young, not like my wife, she is old." in broken English while laughing at the joke. I shoot back a quick, "She makes YOU look good" then laugh myself at the ease of our quick visit. He would be completely lost without his loving, caring, doting wife and he absolutely knows this.
The lavender transplanted a few days ago might disagree with my gardening view point at this moment as it is busy rooting in its new location, not worrying what the foliage above ground looks like. As I water it I marvel at what must be happening below the soil where I can not see. This brings me to the thought of people recovering from abuse. How marvelous are the changes happening within which no one can see yet, knowing that daily, hourly, minute by minute we are slowly rooting in the inner most corners of ourselves.
History I thought, just my history which means exactly what to my future? This I pondered as I sat on my upturned bucket being used as a make shift stool. I've long given up on trying to get anyone to listen, everyone has their own realities to tend to. For a very long time, it was extremely lonely as my Ex continued relationships with almost everyone I formerly knew. His version of our reality was vastly different than my own. Visions of my family gathering around me in support when I finally told them the truth had long since passed as just a story of someone elses reality. As with almost all abused persons, I became quite adept at my level of making everything look just fine, normal and ok to all those around me. I always thought, why bring them into it? I choose to stay so whatever happens is my own fault anyway. The good days were very good though and those I could share with everyone. What in the end did they know? Only what I had shown them. From my friends and families point of view, I was just being selfish, childish and needed to grow up because he loves me and that is hard to find. Right? With the knowledge of what they had seen as my behavior and what he was telling them, there was no way to change their minds so best to just leave it be. I will be the bad person of that reality if it gets me away from the mental abuse and anguish.
It has been 2 years since the great escape. Still I live in fear knowing that even after a year he was trying to find me, those relationships were cut off by me as quickly as the questions became along with the words of how much he still loves me. If that is love then I just don't want it. Still, in many ways that I can not go into, he controls me and keeps me hostage to living less than a full life. Best to just stay in hiding and heal, find appreciation in all that I do have which is bountiful and wait.
So much has happened in 2 short years and so many dreams still to be fulfilled. One by one they come. Frustrated that I can not do more they come more slowly than I would like but still they come and I feel intense appreciation for knowing that everything will come in its own time.
I watch the beauty of the garden growing and know that it grows for me, it grows because I love it, it grows because of the care given to it. Appreciation wells up within me as I understand the truth of the moment which is that I am growing because I love me and the degree with how much growth occurs is in direct proportion to the care given to me.
For all survivors of abuse, love yourself and give yourself the care needed to find you again. You are still here, you are still within that beautiful shell of a body. No one will ever understand what you have been though, no one could. Even if you have never known you, you are perfect, unique and loved. We find ourselves moment by moment through our hearts saying yes to some things and no to others. Keep walking toward the yeses. Pay attention to what is appreciated and reach for that while turning away (it will take more time in our minds than physically) from the unwanted. We can do this, I know we can.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Living Appreciation, We Choose our View
You may be following my newest adventure with the Bed Bug ordeal. If you are then you also may see that getting bed bugs may just be the best thing that has happened to me in 23 years.
Perhaps another time, I may go into being in a relationship with a narcissist but it will help with understanding to say that this type of relationship is easy to get into then easier to stay in rather than get out of. Right here, right now is the point where the Divine I AM reminds me who I use to be and it all happened with getting Bed Bugs. During a 23 year time span, my former self (the one I loved) faded away. I feared she would never return and had no idea how to help her come back.
The choices as I see it are to lament getting these ugly horrible things sinking into an even deeper depression (if that is possible) or to try to (in my limited way) understand why the Divine I AM would allow it, considering that I absolutely abhor bugs. There is nothing in my point of attraction that would ever suggest that these were attracted through obsessing in some way with them. This is why we did not see them for quite some time, long enough for them to set up cozy housekeeping in our bedroom. I just never really looked for them, getting them was so far from my reality that it really surprised me, horrified me and became quite thought provoking when they were discovered.
The question was, if I did not attract bed bugs then what is it that I did attract that is in my best interest? The answer is that I found the determination that was lost. I found me in the fight with these tiny blood suckers that I had lost. I found something acceptable to become enraged with as during the 23 years I began believing that the other was never at fault and it was my Karma to just adapt. Adapt to Bed Bugs??? I think NOT. The bugs gave me something acceptable to get really pissed off over. If it is unacceptable to adapt to these creatures being a part of my reality then why would it be acceptable to allow other creatures sucking my very life blood, my soul, my individuality from me?
It is by eliminating the unwanted that I create the wanted. To date I had felt guilty over walking away from the situation and sorry for the "mess" I had left behind. Yes, the mess in my mind was solely my responsibility and laying it down was a failure of epic proportions crippling me as a person. Unable to go forward and unwilling to go backward, I pretty much looked normal to anyone meeting me but inwardly I cowered in a corner of my psyche afraid to make a decision. Any decision I made would be wrong.
I so appreciate this adventure with the horrors of Bed Bugs because it is only with this level of horror that the beauty of myself may be found again. Last year my inner being brought roaches which were eliminated post haste but it was not enough of a challenge to blast through the barriers of my mind, through the self erected walls keeping me from being me. Perhaps the walls were just too thick to be torn down in one blasting? I am not certain but what I am certain of is that I do not now or ever again have to live with blood or soul sucking creatures unless I choose to. I am certain that when a situation is so far from my own vibration that it can not be stabilized the best thing to do is to change the view. I am certain that this is acceptable.
Perhaps another time, I may go into being in a relationship with a narcissist but it will help with understanding to say that this type of relationship is easy to get into then easier to stay in rather than get out of. Right here, right now is the point where the Divine I AM reminds me who I use to be and it all happened with getting Bed Bugs. During a 23 year time span, my former self (the one I loved) faded away. I feared she would never return and had no idea how to help her come back.
The choices as I see it are to lament getting these ugly horrible things sinking into an even deeper depression (if that is possible) or to try to (in my limited way) understand why the Divine I AM would allow it, considering that I absolutely abhor bugs. There is nothing in my point of attraction that would ever suggest that these were attracted through obsessing in some way with them. This is why we did not see them for quite some time, long enough for them to set up cozy housekeeping in our bedroom. I just never really looked for them, getting them was so far from my reality that it really surprised me, horrified me and became quite thought provoking when they were discovered.
The question was, if I did not attract bed bugs then what is it that I did attract that is in my best interest? The answer is that I found the determination that was lost. I found me in the fight with these tiny blood suckers that I had lost. I found something acceptable to become enraged with as during the 23 years I began believing that the other was never at fault and it was my Karma to just adapt. Adapt to Bed Bugs??? I think NOT. The bugs gave me something acceptable to get really pissed off over. If it is unacceptable to adapt to these creatures being a part of my reality then why would it be acceptable to allow other creatures sucking my very life blood, my soul, my individuality from me?
It is by eliminating the unwanted that I create the wanted. To date I had felt guilty over walking away from the situation and sorry for the "mess" I had left behind. Yes, the mess in my mind was solely my responsibility and laying it down was a failure of epic proportions crippling me as a person. Unable to go forward and unwilling to go backward, I pretty much looked normal to anyone meeting me but inwardly I cowered in a corner of my psyche afraid to make a decision. Any decision I made would be wrong.
I so appreciate this adventure with the horrors of Bed Bugs because it is only with this level of horror that the beauty of myself may be found again. Last year my inner being brought roaches which were eliminated post haste but it was not enough of a challenge to blast through the barriers of my mind, through the self erected walls keeping me from being me. Perhaps the walls were just too thick to be torn down in one blasting? I am not certain but what I am certain of is that I do not now or ever again have to live with blood or soul sucking creatures unless I choose to. I am certain that when a situation is so far from my own vibration that it can not be stabilized the best thing to do is to change the view. I am certain that this is acceptable.
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